Monday, February 11, 2002
I just got done reading Kelly's diary. There were some great entries in there. She is dealing with quite a lot right now. Overworked with school, work, life in general. She is lonely and stressed and I am sure...very tired. I feel bad for her that she has to go through all of this...and mostly alone. Rita and I work the same job, have the same commute, and basically live the same lives. I know that this fact is an extra stress on Kelly who feels left out, and like she is missing out on all the talks, the fun, and the changes that happen every day. But how can I explain to her that she is making it worse for herself than it really is??? Rita and I do not spend the whole day laughing and giggling. I am not sobbing every day and opening up my deepest secrets to Reets. It just hasn't been like that. We do spend a lot of time together, but that is OK. I feel like I am doing something wrong. And Kelly is just so upset about it that I don't know what to say to make her feel better. It is never fun to be the one that has the opposite schedule, or a boyfriend that is long distance, or to be a second semester senior. But we have all dealt with it at one point or another. Or we are dealing with it right now.
Kelly is someone that needs to have people around to keep her sane. Not people, but those that she loves. She needs to expoud on her day, open her heart, and lots of times, she just needs hugs. Kelly and I are very different. I don't want to open my heart, or accept hugs. I want to be left alone to my own devices, locked in my room forever. But I love Kelly and I want to do what I can to make her feel better.
Right now I am also dealing with quite a bit myself. I am depressed that my brother is gone, panicking over finding a new job, worried about my relationship with Paul, and somehow trying to find a way to escape the drama of every day life. And at some point I should be an actor.
What I really need is no pressure right now. I really need to not HAVE to do anything for anyone else. Paul and Mariah want me to come visit. My parents want me to come home. I should be calling my friends from school, memorizing monologues, hanging out with my friends in NYC...and blah blah blah. There is just so much. So I have decided...actually made this decison awhile ago, that I am letting everyone else figure out their own problems for awhile. I am not the problem solver. I am not the one who HAS to make everyone else feel better in their life. I refuse to do it. I just plain don't want too. If I have to deal with all my shit, than why can't you deal with yours?
This entry is in NO WAY reflective upon anyone in specific in my life. It is just to let everyone else and mainly MYSELF know that I am living for me now. If I don't want to visit you, I'm not going to. If I don't want to go out with you, I am not going to. If I don't want to stay up past 6pm, I am not going to. I am living for Joe now. And only Joe. It's about time. I need to get my life together, and I am having a very difficult time doing it when everyone needs something from me. SO ahhhh...take a deep breath cuz it will all be ok. And you Miss Cleo...can fuck right off!
Kelly is someone that needs to have people around to keep her sane. Not people, but those that she loves. She needs to expoud on her day, open her heart, and lots of times, she just needs hugs. Kelly and I are very different. I don't want to open my heart, or accept hugs. I want to be left alone to my own devices, locked in my room forever. But I love Kelly and I want to do what I can to make her feel better.
Right now I am also dealing with quite a bit myself. I am depressed that my brother is gone, panicking over finding a new job, worried about my relationship with Paul, and somehow trying to find a way to escape the drama of every day life. And at some point I should be an actor.
What I really need is no pressure right now. I really need to not HAVE to do anything for anyone else. Paul and Mariah want me to come visit. My parents want me to come home. I should be calling my friends from school, memorizing monologues, hanging out with my friends in NYC...and blah blah blah. There is just so much. So I have decided...actually made this decison awhile ago, that I am letting everyone else figure out their own problems for awhile. I am not the problem solver. I am not the one who HAS to make everyone else feel better in their life. I refuse to do it. I just plain don't want too. If I have to deal with all my shit, than why can't you deal with yours?
This entry is in NO WAY reflective upon anyone in specific in my life. It is just to let everyone else and mainly MYSELF know that I am living for me now. If I don't want to visit you, I'm not going to. If I don't want to go out with you, I am not going to. If I don't want to stay up past 6pm, I am not going to. I am living for Joe now. And only Joe. It's about time. I need to get my life together, and I am having a very difficult time doing it when everyone needs something from me. SO ahhhh...take a deep breath cuz it will all be ok. And you Miss Cleo...can fuck right off!
